Trust is the be-all and end-all

Today I would like to share with you an important insight: trust is the basis for a strong, stable, happy relationship between mother and child.

We mothers all know it: We tell our child to brush their teeth, to tidy their room, to do their homework, to stop playing PlayStation, to finish their lunch, or to hurry up, or to stop fighting with their brother…

The child doesn't respond. What do we do? We can repeat our request and the text, we say it once, twice, three times, we can sharpen our tone, raise the volume again, or ask again and threaten again, freak out, or slam the door. We can even count to 3, we can do anything. But does it help?

Every mother knows this. Of course, children know it's bad not to brush their teeth, and of course they understand that there will be trouble at school if they don't do their homework.

The moment your child does not follow you and listen to you voluntarily, it simply has other needs and wants to assert them. In that moment, your child is protecting its autonomy and its own affairs, its own childlike world.

What do we do? We fail to recognize these needs and engage in a power struggle; we scream, freak out, threaten, or act helpless. This power struggle leads the child to want to assert their needs and autonomy even more.

If your child repeatedly doesn't want to do what you tell them, it's not because you have a bad, stubborn child, or that you're a bad mother, or that you lack the resources to raise and reach your child. It's because you're not reaching your child because you lack trust.

It's because the trust between you isn't working. When you're close, you don't even need to reach your child, because they follow you voluntarily without losing their autonomy.

If the child trusts you, they will follow you automatically, without feeling hurt or losing themselves, because they know that as a mother, you are not following your own interests, but theirs. If the child has had the experience of following you without losing themselves, without a power struggle, they will follow you voluntarily, without losing themselves.

Your child depends on trust in you, on you making the decisions for them that they cannot yet make, and on the trust that you will allow them the freedom to try things out autonomously and effectively, so that they can learn to take responsibility for themselves, make their own decisions and develop their own goals.

The child needs both: trust, closeness and autonomy.

But the closeness must be genuine; the child feels accepted and loved as they are, without having to pretend. If the closeness and trust are so strong, your child will follow you willingly without resistance. Then your child is so close to you that they don't need their need for autonomy, because they have long since internalized that they are autonomous and can make the decisions they can independently.

Your child will then be so close to you that you no longer have to reach him or her.

It is reported from ibn Omar that he said:
“Raise your children properly, for truly you are responsible for them and you will be questioned about their upbringing.”
(Shu'ab al-Imam 8295)